September 2012
August 2012
“Why is that old white guy holding a “latinos for r-money sign”?”
—Random thoughts I had watching the RNC Convention
Why is the Nyquil bottle telling me to take 30 ml and the Robitussin is saying 2 tps
Bitch I need to sleep with this cold I’m going for the nyquil
The beginnings of the American Revolution, simplified.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: All right, fine, your stupid embargo worked. We won’t levy any more taxes-
- AMERICAN COLONIES: Huzzah! Time to get drunk!
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Except on tea.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: What?
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Get over it, it’s just tea. Seriously, where do you get this idea that you’re special and should never have to pay taxes? We hope that idea doesn’t go on to infect your political discourse centuries from now.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: We’re not buying your stupid tea.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Are you being serious right now? What are you going to do, just stop drinking tea?
- AMERICAN COLONIES: Yes. We’ll drink coffee.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Do you even know what that is?
- AMERICAN COLONIES: No, but we’ve heard it’s good and we’re feeling surly.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Fine, whatever, we don’t even care what you do anymore.
- BRITISH EAST INDIA COMPANY: Actually, we are pretty much bankrupt, so you need to make them drink the tea.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Oh, for—just drink the tea.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: No.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Do it.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: NO.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Drink it.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: Fuck you.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: Drink it or we’ll punch you in the face.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: *Boston Tea Party*
- BRITISH EMPIRE: What the hell?
- AMERICAN COLONIES: We heard it was Indians.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: That’s interesting, because we heard it was a bunch of colonists wearing paint and dressed in costumes that were remarkably similar to what a crowd of drunks who wanted to look like Indians would assemble if the only supplies they had were found in an alley behind a bar.
- AMERICAN COLONIES: You get all types in Boston.
- BRITISH EMPIRE: …*Coercive Acts*
- AMERICAN COLONIES: Oh, it is ON.
My phone keeps autocorrecting every other word with "coitus"
Just came back from my brothers wedding, here's a recap
- My “adoptive” brother from Finland Petri came to the wedding with his girlfriend Essi (they are awesome and the cutest couple ever)
- Thursday was the bachelor party at a friends beach house along Lake Michigan
- Everyone got drunk and managed to stumble down a very STEEP sandy hill to reach the lake, tried to make two giant spiders fight each other, pissed into lake Michigan, threw one groomsman in the water, and possibly broke one or more federal/state law all on one beach (the sand dunes and plant life are protected?)
- I got lost trying to make my way back to the hotel with Petri for an hour, had to pull over because he was so drunk I thought he wasn’t breathing
- Grooms dinner- Majority of the night family and friends kept saying how excited they were to come to my wedding in exactly two months, I drank a lot.
- The wedding day: Groomsmen took over my room, we did a team pizza run, drank straight rum, got dressed and was almost late to the church
- Ceremony: after all groomsmen and bridesmaids suffer a near heat stroke standing in the church (that was NOTÂ air-conditioned) we had to stand in line and awkwardly shake peoples hands. Somehow I managed to name every single person who I spoke with and everyone was impressed
- Limo: My brother and new sister in law were kind of bitches
- Reception: Again, bitches. Out of 30 tables they spoke to only 8, I on the other hand managed to speak to every table and almost every single person and thank them for coming while dancing with every bridesmaid, my fiance, and Petri’s girlfriend Essi
- After Party: While my brother and sister in law went to have what we all imagined the most awkward sex ever the Assistant night manager was being a total fucktard and threatening to call the cops on us because we had people in my room talking in normal voices.
Oh by the way my brother or sister in law never said thank you to any of the groomsmen or bridesmaids or even said goodbye to any of us when they left that night.
You are fucking right everyone is more excited for my wedding
“Smith’s do what they want”
—Family motto
Wish people in Alaska would stop telling me theres "going to be a goat roping tonight" after I tell them something they don't like
Why does my credit card company decide it needs to try to call me every time I pay my card off in full each month?
Satan's Housecat is staying at my house right now...
My door is closed has been for the past hour, I saw it on the stairs when I went in my room…
I turned around just now and it was sitting on my bed behind me staring at me… Judging me eating a doughnut…
Fucking bastards are against me
Sometimes at work I feel like a Stormtrooper...
Those were the droids I was looking for… god damn it
The season premiere of Doctor Who is in the middle of my brothers wedding
You bet I cursed them out for this
I just applied for one of the Lead positions at work!
Heres hoping no one else wants this back breaking piece of shit position
My fiance thinks its weird and a bad idea to have a skull as my logo for a photography business
neverdeadNED Photography doesn’t seem right with out a skull as the logo
Play
1:48
SWESTYpants: Big shout out to Ned! →
codenameswestypants.tumblr.com
For buying not only being the very first person to buy a print of mine, but a 1/1 print of mine.
If anyone else is interested, the 3 color reduction prints of the Jungle Carpet Pythons are for sale, message me for details!
Its a VERY limited print run, because well, im lazy, and broke, so i…
Support your (non)local starving artist
Amazon Prime, Hulu, and Netflix? Good bye cable
usa gets silver:
russia gets silver:
chinese get silver:
british get bronze:
So I just found out today that my fiances bitch of an aunt called us greedy last week
We are being “greedy” because for her wedding shower we want people to know where we are registered.
Now she is complaining on facebook and to everyone because she said that my mother in law was yelling at her for screwing up not sending a list of where we are registered. No, she said that I was going to mail out a “whoops, forgot about this: here is where we are registered” to people, I was annoyed when she said she threw away the list of people she mailed things too…
She got yelled at after she said we were greedy.
Fuck you bitch see if you are coming to my fucking wedding now.
America won basketball gold medals
Whoopdido we won a sport we invented and.made the rules for
Tonight at dinner I said capt. America was my least favorite super hero, my waitress replays " he is my favorite" then she began to sing the theme song to captain planet, so I had to put her in her place
Some towns wanting to add stop sign camera's, yes like the red light camera's →
foxnews.com
Next year cities and states are going to be installing camera’s in your own homes to make sure you are protected and not doing anything illegal.
Mind as well start calling everyone a Comrade now
